One is the Lonliest Number

Do you have any idea what it feels like to want to be a part of something, anything, so badly only to be shut down at every turn? I know exactly how this feels because it feels like my reality. I don’t mean to be so negative, especially on today of all days. I am aware that things could always be worse, much worse. As I reflect back on my childhood and who I was then and all the things that I wished for, I must admit that I have achieved a lot. In some ways I have achieved more than I ever even dared to imagine and yet…a void remains – a gaping whole that nothing seems to be able to fill. There are brief moments when I believe that the hemorrhage has been plugged, that the roof has been patched but then just as quickly as I thought my suffering was over, I am abruptly reminded that I am still alone. Maybe alone is to strong of a word. “Lonely” may be more appropriate for there are very few people in this world that are truly alone. I don’t think that there has ever been a day when I had zero contact with another human being. I do however have plenty of experience with being lonely. “Lonely” can strike at any moment. You can be surrounded by hundreds of people and still feel quite alone. You can be under the same roof as the family that has raised you from birth and still feel…

It hurts to feel alone. There are many things in this world that hurt, both physically and otherwise, but as long as you have someone to be there, to understand, to bear that pain with you, you can make it. Just to be clear I do have a handful of people in my life that do seem to get it, or at least certain parts of it, but none of them can fill that particular space, that special mold with its intricate design and specifications. None of them are my family.

Family…

Where do I even begin?

Well admittedly I’m not an orphan. I have two parents who have seen to it that my basic needs have always been met and even quite a few of my wants. As much as I feel that much has been lacking along the way, they have done the best that they can or at least they’ve done the best that they know how to do. I am grateful for this and I do love them, as the love me. Then, what is the void? The void originates from growing up in an unhappy home that you have very few memories of ever being happy. The void comes from finding out that even those few happy memories that you have clung to were manufactured performances put on for your benefit but nothing more. The void comes from having zero close relationships with any family member outside your house. The void comes from watching other families from a distance and wishing in vain that you capture some small piece of their joy and sprinkle it over your own family. The void comes from knowing that if my parents died today I would have no one. I have no brothers and sisters or friends that have been with me since the beginning. Those are the people that you can really trust to stand by you until the end. Those bonds aren’t determined by convenience or mood or lust. It’s a loyalty that goes down to the bone that cannot be discarded any easier than one’s own heart. But it’s not just about loyalty either.

I want for someone to want to be with me. I want for someone to want to make memories and traditions with me. I live with two people who truthfully must believe that they made a mistake – a mistake in being together which culminated in the creation of me. No worthwhile person will call his/her offspring a mistake; in fact I may be the only good thing that either of them may be able to claim from the union. And while they’ve both done the best that they can, or the best that they know how to do, the signs are everywhere that this isn’t what they wanted. There are no family outings, no game nights, no traditions, no vacations, no days of simply enjoying each other’s company. Sure there are short moments in time where we may occupy the same space and have polite conversation but this can only go on for but so long before we can no longer tolerate the discomfort of it. It is an alien thing for us to be together, even after all these years. The dynamics are off. So we each retreat back to our own corners and go back to our separate existences. Its hard to pinpoint a moment when it all went wrong. The descent may have begun before my memory or even before my time. I can only hypothesize. Substance abuse played its role of course. Even after his recovery, the scars of it may have run to deep, done too much damage. I believe that they both gave up on each other though I’m not sure who gave up first. I also believe that not enough emphasis was given to what really matters – the family. After a while if you ignore the fundamental need of the family enough, cracks will appear. This fundamental need is, of course, time. There is never enough of it so you have to use it well. Having holiday traditions, reunions, family dinners, and whatever else may not be important to other people but it is to me. I want to have a family that wants to be together. I want to have a place where I belong.

So I guess we’ve reached the root of it. I want to feel like I’m a part of something. All I’ve ever wanted is just to belong somewhere, to not feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. I just want somebody to tell me that they’re going to be here, with me, forever and mean it. The only thing in life that seems to even come close to guaranteeing this is family. The trouble is that my family is an exception to this rule. I don’t feel like I have many guarantees with them. So I’m left to wonder, “what is to become of me?” I feel like the only way for me to capture the guarantee of family, and fill the void within me, is to create my own family. I need it. It’s the only way that I can ever be truly happy and complete. I know that they always tell you that another person can’t complete you but I think that’s kind of beside the point. It’s not really about completing me so much as its about completing my dreams, my life. If your dream is to have a family then you can’t really accomplish that without another person, now can you?

No amount of visiting with other people’s families and partaking in their traditions will ever fill this void because at the end of the day there are moments in life that are for “Family Only.” At those moments I am pushed out of the picture, relegated to the corner with the rest of the people who don’t quite belong. Again I’ll say that my situation could be worse, but it could also be better. I can’t get what I want from my family so I need another one! If God would only answer my prayers I know that I would dedicate my life to having a wonderful life with my family. I would do whatever I had to, within reason, to do my part and create all the memories for my kids that I didn’t get to have. I want a reason to rush home from work other than to take care of my dog! Ugh this is getting a little pathetic. I wonder if anyone else in the world feels how I feel. You want for something for so long and after a while you’re ready to realize your dreams. I’m ready…