So the back story is that I went down to the courthouse to pay my speeding ticket only to discover that I money that was my account last night had suddenly disappeared. I have now discovered that I have a mysterious insufficient funds fee for God knows what. Many people may say that this is just a basic case of misfortune -- stuff happens -- but I'm not taking it that way. It feels like this year my life has been in a slow decline. Sure, certain areas of my life are holding on pretty well. School is good. My relationship is good. But in other ways, particularly when it comes to finances and job satisfaction, I am barely keeping my head above water. I can't go on like this or at least I don't want to anyway. Actually scratch that. I WILL NOT go on this way. I need more from my life right now. I need a lot more than what I've been getting. I like to think of myself as a fairly logical person; educated and pretty level headed about the things that matter. Therefore, one of the first steps that comes to mind is to retrace the tracks of my happiness. Think back to times when things were simpler or at the very least I was happier and more secure than I am now and then try to identify when things began to go downhill. For me, my mind keeps going back to church. There was a time when I was pretty involved in church. I wasn't in a bunch of ministries or anything but I did, at least, attend pretty regularly, contribute to the offering, and become a full-fledged member (complete with my own personalized envelopes). At one point it seemed that religion was destined to take on a significant role in my life, which is major for many reasons, not the least of which being that I came from a home where being a "believer" meant saying Grace on Thanksgiving and maybe Christmas. I had never even been inside a church with my parents until the recent funeral of an uncle. There had never been any effort to instruct me in the Word of God and the only mentions of church had always tended to carry a negative connotation. So yea, I'm not exactly the person you would have expecting to find soaking in a sermon (usually unaccompanied) while many of peers were spending their Sundays recovering from hangovers or having last-minute cram sessions. But nevertheless, there I was. I was even considering becoming baptised but then something happened. First I began to question whether or not I was, for lack of a better term, "good enough" to be baptised. I kept putting it off because I felt like I needed to first shed a bit more sin from my life and be sure that I could fully commit to the lifestyle expected of an upright Christian. So I waited... And who knows, its hard to remember but my decline in attendance may have slowly started then. And then I had to move home for the summer and thus many miles away from my then church home. But I still went sporadically on my own and with my boyfriend both to his church and mine. For a while things were going well but then one day he finally had to reveal that he just COULD NOT get comfortable with the style of service at my church. But I tried to be understanding and agreed to attend his church with him. After all this is the person I want to spend my life with. The least I can do is be open to his format of worship and support him in that. After all, he wasn't saying that he didn't want to attend church. He just didn't want to attend an AME church. OK. But the problem slowly became that, as the school year resumed and we both got busier, neither one of us was very motivated to attend church. Every moment of my life was dedicated to somehow getting myself across the finish line. Sadly church got relegated to the recreational category and I had no time for recreation. And as far as the boyfriend goes, he's just not that into church. He's a believer but not deeply into the practice of it. He probably only ever went because of me anyway. So the months go by and before you know it, it's been over a year since I've attended a church service of any kind. This is what I believe to be the source of my problems...
When I made more effort to include God in my life, I feel as though I was more at peace. People even told me that they could see the positive change in me; that I handled difficult situations so much better than I did previously. I remember that having those positive changes in me recognized by others made me feel so good inside. I now wonder what one of those same commentators would say now. Do I still have the same positive energy? I'm sure the answer is no. I feel myself sinking into a pit of negativity sometimes, not because that's what I want, but because it feels like negative things are always happening to me. It scares me that things will continue to get worse or just never get better. I also worry that my burdens will begin to weigh upon my relationship, if they have not already. I've got to do better and I believe that God is the answer. The further Ive gotten away from him, the more dissatisfied I have become with my life. My way's not working so I might as well try his. I'm not really sure what I plan to do. I already did my first legitimate prayer in ages a little while ago which is a good first step (I had grown inexplicably standoffish to prayer). I'm making no grand guarantees to God, myself, or anyone else that I will immediately become a staunch practitioner of the Word. I will however take baby steps in that direction and see where I end up. I want this to be very organic, not forced. It needs to feel natural to me. Speaking of the Word, I think a good next step would be to actually commit myself to reading the Word-- all of it this summer. I've never read it all (and suspect that many people haven't. How can I profess to believe in something that I am not even fully educated about? This might occur before I even set foot in a church service again. Maybe building my own private and personal relationship with Him is a more important foundation than attending public gatherings at this point. We'll just have to see. Like I said, I make no promises to anyone. This has got to be about Him and I first and foremost. Its kind of scary embarking on a journey like this alone but maybe that's the point. It's like one of those Gospel songs says "sometimes you've got to encourage yourself, sometimes you've got to speak victory over yourself (or something like that lol, its been a while). I've run from all things religious for so long, probably fearing a mixture of facing myself for what I am and not wanting to feel the guilt/judgement that goes along with it, but now I'm not going to run anymore.
Well God here I am, let's work it out!
