Well that's it...

So the back story is that I went down to the courthouse to pay my speeding ticket only to discover that I money that was my account last night had suddenly disappeared. I have now discovered that I have a mysterious insufficient funds fee for God knows what. Many people may say that this is just a basic case of misfortune -- stuff happens -- but I'm not taking it that way. It feels like this year my life has been in a slow decline. Sure, certain areas of my life are holding on pretty well. School is good. My relationship is good. But in other ways, particularly when it comes to finances and job satisfaction, I am barely keeping my head above water. I can't go on like this or at least I don't want to anyway. Actually scratch that. I WILL NOT go on this way. I need more from my life right now. I need a lot more than what I've been getting. I like to think of myself as a fairly logical person; educated and pretty level headed about the things that matter. Therefore, one of the first steps that comes to mind is to retrace the tracks of my happiness. Think back to times when things were simpler or at the very least I was happier and more secure than I am now and then try to identify when things began to go downhill. For me, my mind keeps going back to church. There was a time when I was pretty involved in church. I wasn't in a bunch of ministries or anything but I did, at least, attend pretty regularly, contribute to the offering, and become a full-fledged member (complete with my own personalized envelopes). At one point it seemed that religion was destined to take on a significant role in my life, which is major for many reasons, not the least of which being that I came from a home where being a "believer" meant saying Grace on Thanksgiving and maybe Christmas. I had never even been inside a church with my parents until the recent funeral of an uncle. There had never been any effort to instruct me in the Word of God and the only mentions of church had always tended to carry a negative connotation. So yea, I'm not exactly the person you would have expecting to find soaking in a sermon (usually unaccompanied) while many of peers were spending their Sundays recovering from hangovers or having last-minute cram sessions. But nevertheless, there I was. I was even considering becoming baptised but then something happened. First I began to question whether or not I was, for lack of a better term, "good enough" to be baptised. I kept putting it off because I felt like I needed to first shed a bit more sin from my life and be sure that I could fully commit to the lifestyle expected of an upright Christian. So I waited... And who knows, its hard to remember but my decline in attendance may have slowly started then. And then I had to move home for the summer and thus many miles away from my then church home. But I still went sporadically on my own and with my boyfriend both to his church and mine. For a while things were going well but then one day he finally had to reveal that he just COULD NOT get comfortable with the style of service at my church. But I tried to be understanding and agreed to attend his church with him. After all this is the person I want to spend my life with. The least I can do is be open to his format of worship and support him in that. After all, he wasn't saying that he didn't want to attend church. He just didn't want to attend an AME church. OK. But the problem slowly became that, as the school year resumed and we both got busier, neither one of us was very motivated to attend church. Every moment of my life was dedicated to somehow getting myself across the finish line. Sadly church got relegated to the recreational category and I had no time for recreation. And as far as the boyfriend goes, he's just not that into church. He's a believer but not deeply into the practice of it. He probably only ever went because of me anyway. So the months go by and before you know it, it's been over a year since I've attended a church service of any kind. This is what I believe to be the source of my problems...

When I made more effort to include God in my life, I feel as though I was more at peace. People even told me that they could see the positive change in me; that I handled difficult situations so much better than I did previously. I remember that having those positive changes in me recognized by others made me feel so good inside. I now wonder what one of those same commentators would say now. Do I still have the same positive energy? I'm sure the answer is no. I feel myself sinking into a pit of negativity sometimes, not because that's what I want, but because it feels like negative things are always happening to me. It scares me that things will continue to get worse or just never get better. I also worry that my burdens will begin to weigh upon my relationship, if they have not already. I've got to do better and I believe that God is the answer. The further Ive gotten away from him, the more dissatisfied I have become with my life. My way's not working so I might as well try his. I'm not really sure what I plan to do. I already did my first legitimate prayer in ages a little while ago which is a good first step (I had grown inexplicably standoffish to prayer). I'm making no grand guarantees to God, myself, or anyone else that I will immediately become a staunch practitioner of the Word. I will however take baby steps in that direction and see where I end up. I want this to be very organic, not forced. It needs to feel natural to me. Speaking of the Word, I think a good next step would be to actually commit myself to reading the Word-- all of it this summer. I've never read it all (and suspect that many people haven't. How can I profess to believe in something that I am not even fully educated about? This might occur before I even set foot in a church service again. Maybe building my own private and personal relationship with Him is a more important foundation than attending public gatherings at this point. We'll just have to see. Like I said, I make no promises to anyone. This has got to be about Him and I first and foremost. Its kind of scary embarking on a journey like this alone but maybe that's the point. It's like one of those Gospel songs says "sometimes you've got to encourage yourself, sometimes you've got to speak victory over yourself (or something like that lol, its been a while). I've run from all things religious for so long, probably fearing a mixture of facing myself for what I am and not wanting to feel the guilt/judgement that goes along with it, but now I'm not going to run anymore.

Well God here I am, let's work it out!

All I do is Lose, Lose, Lose No Matter What!

So the saga continues. So on the one hand, about 12 hours after I arrived at the bf's house, he finally called AT&T and discovered that I probably could get a new phone for the website price. Good news, right? Not so fast. In order for me to get the new phone, they would need to run his credit, which is good but he doesn't want to have any inquiries made on his credit report...doesn't think its worth it. Beyond that he also made it pretty clear that he doesn't even think I should get an iPhone. He says that the reason is he thinks I should just wait for him to be eligible for an upgrade in September and I should just get a cheaper phone in the meantime. This to me makes no sense because I will then end up purchasing TWO phones, bringing the grand total to approaching the retail price of an iPhone anyway. But anyway this is just what he says. He also went on to suggest that he cancel our family plan and we go back to maintaining our own separate plans... This hit me like a f*ckin mack truck. Are you kidding me??? And he said it as though it was so straightforward and uncontroversial. Although maybe we haven't experienced the type of savings that we thought a family plan would bring, its not just about that. Getting this plan together symbolized an important step in our relationship. We were entering into something together for the first time, instead of being two individuals voluntarily working together. We were contractually bound through this situation. It was an outward indication to the world that we're in this for the long haul; a point of pride. It meant that we had a certain caliver of trust in one another because we had, although to a fairly small degree, tied our fates together. We were in this boat together for better or for worse (I know that sounds too matrimonial for this). The only problem is that now he wants to jump ship. Something about me losing this phone or my struggles to gather enough money to get a new one has revealed something to him. He doesn't think I'm financially responsible, and maybe I'm not. He doesn't think that it's worth it to tie his fate to mine any longer, even in the face of still having to pay off the remaining bill and cancellation charges. So where does this leave us?

I am taking this as another failure on my part. I can't get my sh*t together and as a result my relationships with other people are being negatively affected. I'm so tired of needing assistance from other people. I'm sure everyone needs help sometimes but it feels like I need it too often...and people will grow weary of it. My bf may already have. He says he can't help but want to help me. However, the fact of the matter is that he can't always help me. Instead by making a variety of promises to me, he ends up over extending his self, not being able to follow through, and I'm left back where I started. Lets make one thing clear. Despite how it may appear. Regardless of the fact that I may long for rescue from time to time. Even in view of how I've benefited from the kindness of others, I really DON'T want anyone's help. I never wanted to be almost 24 y/o still struggling to keep my head above water financially. I never imagined that at this point in my life I would have even less disposable income then I had in previous years. I'm not over here living it up with the money people give me. I couldn't tell you the last time I bought a pair of shoes, definitely not this year. I have one go-to pair in particular that I wear a lot. Those suckers are about to come apart any time now. Same goes for clothes. I think the last article of clothing I bought was a dress I wore for New Years. Nothing since then and there wasn't much prior either. I go through big gaps in time between any sort of pampering. I am NOT living the life over here. The other part of it is just the social aspects of money. I think that its only when you don't have money that you realize that most social activity requires it. If I called up someone right now and asked them if they want to do something I'm sure it would be something along the line of going to a restaurant, seeing a movie, shopping, or the like. At the very least I'm looking at gas. So what am I supposed to say "Let's do such and such but I need you to cover the tab," Heck No! So you see, being phone-less is the first level of isolation but also the fact that talking on the phone is about the only thing I can afford to do.

I just feel really alone in many ways. More than anything, I hope that my issues do not become a major plague upon my relationship. It's difficult though. It seems to be a constant topic of discussion, not because he's bringing it up but because I don't have anything more major than that going on.

I'll say this much. Sometimes it is the seemingly insignificant decisions that we make that foreshadow our true thoughts/feelings the best. Nothing about this situation feels right to me but I hope it works out in the end, whenever that is.

Later...

Why is it Always Me???

So where should I begin? I went to court this morning. I managed to get there with very minimal difficulty. However after sizing up the judge, the presence of the cop, and my odds of making a logical explanation of my innocence in the face of radar evidence, I decided to plead guilty with an explanation. I'll spare you a rambling recount of what I said, but suffice to say that I don't think I presented my case nearly as well as I could have with the result being that I now have 10 days to pay the $80 fine. I did, however, manage to avoid receiving any points on my driving record. So it sucks that I have to hand out more money that I don't really have but it could have been worse. I then received the crushing blow that I cannot, in fact, replace my phone for $150 (refurbished) to $200 (new). Instead I was told that since I am not eligible for an upgrade, I could be looking at $500. BLOWER!!! I had the damn money in my hand, ready to go. Twarted again. I got this information from an Apple rep and wanted to seek confirmation from ATT but this was quite impossible because they will only speak to my boyfriend (he's the primary name on our joint account). This pretty much sent me into a tizy. Then on top of that I find out that as far as car insurance goes I may also be screwed. As an AAA member I tend to be able to get the best rates through their partners. This is no longer the case though because, probably as a result of me ending my last plan on a bad note (late payment and ultimatelynever making it) the rate f*ckin jumped by like $100/month. The AAA rep recommended that I basically throw myself at their mercy of the insurance agency but I don't know how fruitful that will turn out to be. At any rate, I STILL don't have the money anyway so yea. So basically fml...

Court House Blues

I'm about to head to traffic court. I'm MAJORLY nervous. Yes, I know that many do not take traffic court seriously but to me it's still court, you know? I don't have a record so hopefully it will be as simple as saying "not guilty" and high-tailing it out of there. Wish me luck!

Guess who's back!

Wow I haven't written here in ages! Well I can't really make any apologies for it. This last semester has been absolutely bananas, stressful, and even exciting at times. However the common denominator is that I was constantly busy. However, I managed to pull through and now I can say I have 1 year of Grad school in the bag. It was such a great feeling to be done...although sometimes it feels like the concept of "done" is really some sort of cruel April Fool's joke that refuses to go away. Well world, there are two problems here: 1) It's not April and 2) I'm not laughing. Seriously I'm rarely truly DONE with anything. For example, grades were posted a couple weeks ago but I have to go to campus to meet with my advisers on Friday (which is interfering with my work schedule) and I will have to wait until next JANUARY to present my research project which is effectively done now. Come on man! Whatever...

The BF and I are still going pretty strong. It'll be 4 years in September. My how time flies!  :) And we recently achieved another milestone: I have a key to his place! Yessir, yep that's me, the chick wit an all access pass. However please do not think for a second that I received this lil golden ticket promptly, with ease, or on some sort of whim. Finally after a series of unfortunate events, and possibly my not so subtle suggestion that I should sleep over less often, the key was given out of necessity and some sort of epiphany on his part. Whatever the reasons behind it, I'm happy to have my little Steelers key (yes, my BF, the eternal Steelers fan, had the key designed with a Steelers pattern. Meh, maybe they were all out of pink backgrounds with cute baby animals, lol. But now that we are at this point it serves as further reminder that there aren't too many more steps we can take as boyfriend/girlfriend. Indeed, even the terms boyfriend and girlfriend start to feel a little ill-fitting with age, seeming more appropriate adolescents than young professionals. Sidebar--> Do I count as a young professional since I'm still in school? I do have a job, maybe soon to be two jobs (more on that later), but its not related to my career ambitions. Meh, who knows...

A classmate just recently set me up for an interview at a psychiatric rehabilitation establishment. I'm excited by the prospects of finally doing something in my field but I'm quite nervous that I don't have the background to be selected. Either way, simply setting foot into this establishment will be self-affirming of my goals. It's a step in the right direction so I might as well just go for it. Honestly the most nerve-wrecking part may be the fact that one of my classmates works there and another interviewed yesterday. Therefore if I don't pull it off then basically everyone knows = embarrassing. I know I shouldn't be worried about them but it just seems like it could be awkward. On the bright side, if I don't get the position, I don't have to see these people until Fall and I would hopefully be over it by then.

Other than that, nothing to amazing is going on over here. The boo-muffin's B-day is on Saturday but he has decided to shun the typical club party celebration with his buddies in favor of a swanky dinner for two with yours truly :) I'm clearly not complaining. I just want him to have the best time possible. You only turn 26 once, as far as we know anyway. However, I must first survive traffic court on Thursday and I also received a speed camera ticket--> sucks. I hate to admit it but maybe I need to take some responsibility and slow my butt down. The last thing I need is more expenses that I can't afford. I guess I would have to say that the greatest tragedy of late is the loss of my IPhone-->HEARTBREAKING! The worst part is that 1) they're fairly expensive the replace, 2) when stuff is going on I can't just quickly call on someone for support--> isolation, 3) I don't want to settle for a cheap replacement and I'm not sure it even makes sense in the long run anyway, 4) it was a gift from Wes and we started a plan together, 5) and just the typical sting of loss. Part of me is still holding out hope that it fell into some secret compartment of my car and will reveal itself any moment now...

Well that seems to be enough for now...

Oh yea....I fell like I could be preggers, Bye now!

***runs away without explanation***

One is the Lonliest Number

Do you have any idea what it feels like to want to be a part of something, anything, so badly only to be shut down at every turn? I know exactly how this feels because it feels like my reality. I don’t mean to be so negative, especially on today of all days. I am aware that things could always be worse, much worse. As I reflect back on my childhood and who I was then and all the things that I wished for, I must admit that I have achieved a lot. In some ways I have achieved more than I ever even dared to imagine and yet…a void remains – a gaping whole that nothing seems to be able to fill. There are brief moments when I believe that the hemorrhage has been plugged, that the roof has been patched but then just as quickly as I thought my suffering was over, I am abruptly reminded that I am still alone. Maybe alone is to strong of a word. “Lonely” may be more appropriate for there are very few people in this world that are truly alone. I don’t think that there has ever been a day when I had zero contact with another human being. I do however have plenty of experience with being lonely. “Lonely” can strike at any moment. You can be surrounded by hundreds of people and still feel quite alone. You can be under the same roof as the family that has raised you from birth and still feel…

It hurts to feel alone. There are many things in this world that hurt, both physically and otherwise, but as long as you have someone to be there, to understand, to bear that pain with you, you can make it. Just to be clear I do have a handful of people in my life that do seem to get it, or at least certain parts of it, but none of them can fill that particular space, that special mold with its intricate design and specifications. None of them are my family.

Family…

Where do I even begin?

Well admittedly I’m not an orphan. I have two parents who have seen to it that my basic needs have always been met and even quite a few of my wants. As much as I feel that much has been lacking along the way, they have done the best that they can or at least they’ve done the best that they know how to do. I am grateful for this and I do love them, as the love me. Then, what is the void? The void originates from growing up in an unhappy home that you have very few memories of ever being happy. The void comes from finding out that even those few happy memories that you have clung to were manufactured performances put on for your benefit but nothing more. The void comes from having zero close relationships with any family member outside your house. The void comes from watching other families from a distance and wishing in vain that you capture some small piece of their joy and sprinkle it over your own family. The void comes from knowing that if my parents died today I would have no one. I have no brothers and sisters or friends that have been with me since the beginning. Those are the people that you can really trust to stand by you until the end. Those bonds aren’t determined by convenience or mood or lust. It’s a loyalty that goes down to the bone that cannot be discarded any easier than one’s own heart. But it’s not just about loyalty either.

I want for someone to want to be with me. I want for someone to want to make memories and traditions with me. I live with two people who truthfully must believe that they made a mistake – a mistake in being together which culminated in the creation of me. No worthwhile person will call his/her offspring a mistake; in fact I may be the only good thing that either of them may be able to claim from the union. And while they’ve both done the best that they can, or the best that they know how to do, the signs are everywhere that this isn’t what they wanted. There are no family outings, no game nights, no traditions, no vacations, no days of simply enjoying each other’s company. Sure there are short moments in time where we may occupy the same space and have polite conversation but this can only go on for but so long before we can no longer tolerate the discomfort of it. It is an alien thing for us to be together, even after all these years. The dynamics are off. So we each retreat back to our own corners and go back to our separate existences. Its hard to pinpoint a moment when it all went wrong. The descent may have begun before my memory or even before my time. I can only hypothesize. Substance abuse played its role of course. Even after his recovery, the scars of it may have run to deep, done too much damage. I believe that they both gave up on each other though I’m not sure who gave up first. I also believe that not enough emphasis was given to what really matters – the family. After a while if you ignore the fundamental need of the family enough, cracks will appear. This fundamental need is, of course, time. There is never enough of it so you have to use it well. Having holiday traditions, reunions, family dinners, and whatever else may not be important to other people but it is to me. I want to have a family that wants to be together. I want to have a place where I belong.

So I guess we’ve reached the root of it. I want to feel like I’m a part of something. All I’ve ever wanted is just to belong somewhere, to not feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. I just want somebody to tell me that they’re going to be here, with me, forever and mean it. The only thing in life that seems to even come close to guaranteeing this is family. The trouble is that my family is an exception to this rule. I don’t feel like I have many guarantees with them. So I’m left to wonder, “what is to become of me?” I feel like the only way for me to capture the guarantee of family, and fill the void within me, is to create my own family. I need it. It’s the only way that I can ever be truly happy and complete. I know that they always tell you that another person can’t complete you but I think that’s kind of beside the point. It’s not really about completing me so much as its about completing my dreams, my life. If your dream is to have a family then you can’t really accomplish that without another person, now can you?

No amount of visiting with other people’s families and partaking in their traditions will ever fill this void because at the end of the day there are moments in life that are for “Family Only.” At those moments I am pushed out of the picture, relegated to the corner with the rest of the people who don’t quite belong. Again I’ll say that my situation could be worse, but it could also be better. I can’t get what I want from my family so I need another one! If God would only answer my prayers I know that I would dedicate my life to having a wonderful life with my family. I would do whatever I had to, within reason, to do my part and create all the memories for my kids that I didn’t get to have. I want a reason to rush home from work other than to take care of my dog! Ugh this is getting a little pathetic. I wonder if anyone else in the world feels how I feel. You want for something for so long and after a while you’re ready to realize your dreams. I’m ready…

Loss

People are here one day but the next they're not
Loss is a pain that runs deep and hot..

In the book "The KiteRunner," the father says that the only sin is theft. I believe that the only true pain is loss. You lose your partner's love, you lose your house, lives are lost, dignity lost, minds lost, futures lost...