All I do is Lose, Lose, Lose No Matter What!

So the saga continues. So on the one hand, about 12 hours after I arrived at the bf's house, he finally called AT&T and discovered that I probably could get a new phone for the website price. Good news, right? Not so fast. In order for me to get the new phone, they would need to run his credit, which is good but he doesn't want to have any inquiries made on his credit report...doesn't think its worth it. Beyond that he also made it pretty clear that he doesn't even think I should get an iPhone. He says that the reason is he thinks I should just wait for him to be eligible for an upgrade in September and I should just get a cheaper phone in the meantime. This to me makes no sense because I will then end up purchasing TWO phones, bringing the grand total to approaching the retail price of an iPhone anyway. But anyway this is just what he says. He also went on to suggest that he cancel our family plan and we go back to maintaining our own separate plans... This hit me like a f*ckin mack truck. Are you kidding me??? And he said it as though it was so straightforward and uncontroversial. Although maybe we haven't experienced the type of savings that we thought a family plan would bring, its not just about that. Getting this plan together symbolized an important step in our relationship. We were entering into something together for the first time, instead of being two individuals voluntarily working together. We were contractually bound through this situation. It was an outward indication to the world that we're in this for the long haul; a point of pride. It meant that we had a certain caliver of trust in one another because we had, although to a fairly small degree, tied our fates together. We were in this boat together for better or for worse (I know that sounds too matrimonial for this). The only problem is that now he wants to jump ship. Something about me losing this phone or my struggles to gather enough money to get a new one has revealed something to him. He doesn't think I'm financially responsible, and maybe I'm not. He doesn't think that it's worth it to tie his fate to mine any longer, even in the face of still having to pay off the remaining bill and cancellation charges. So where does this leave us?

I am taking this as another failure on my part. I can't get my sh*t together and as a result my relationships with other people are being negatively affected. I'm so tired of needing assistance from other people. I'm sure everyone needs help sometimes but it feels like I need it too often...and people will grow weary of it. My bf may already have. He says he can't help but want to help me. However, the fact of the matter is that he can't always help me. Instead by making a variety of promises to me, he ends up over extending his self, not being able to follow through, and I'm left back where I started. Lets make one thing clear. Despite how it may appear. Regardless of the fact that I may long for rescue from time to time. Even in view of how I've benefited from the kindness of others, I really DON'T want anyone's help. I never wanted to be almost 24 y/o still struggling to keep my head above water financially. I never imagined that at this point in my life I would have even less disposable income then I had in previous years. I'm not over here living it up with the money people give me. I couldn't tell you the last time I bought a pair of shoes, definitely not this year. I have one go-to pair in particular that I wear a lot. Those suckers are about to come apart any time now. Same goes for clothes. I think the last article of clothing I bought was a dress I wore for New Years. Nothing since then and there wasn't much prior either. I go through big gaps in time between any sort of pampering. I am NOT living the life over here. The other part of it is just the social aspects of money. I think that its only when you don't have money that you realize that most social activity requires it. If I called up someone right now and asked them if they want to do something I'm sure it would be something along the line of going to a restaurant, seeing a movie, shopping, or the like. At the very least I'm looking at gas. So what am I supposed to say "Let's do such and such but I need you to cover the tab," Heck No! So you see, being phone-less is the first level of isolation but also the fact that talking on the phone is about the only thing I can afford to do.

I just feel really alone in many ways. More than anything, I hope that my issues do not become a major plague upon my relationship. It's difficult though. It seems to be a constant topic of discussion, not because he's bringing it up but because I don't have anything more major than that going on.

I'll say this much. Sometimes it is the seemingly insignificant decisions that we make that foreshadow our true thoughts/feelings the best. Nothing about this situation feels right to me but I hope it works out in the end, whenever that is.

Later...