One is the Lonliest Number

Do you have any idea what it feels like to want to be a part of something, anything, so badly only to be shut down at every turn? I know exactly how this feels because it feels like my reality. I don’t mean to be so negative, especially on today of all days. I am aware that things could always be worse, much worse. As I reflect back on my childhood and who I was then and all the things that I wished for, I must admit that I have achieved a lot. In some ways I have achieved more than I ever even dared to imagine and yet…a void remains – a gaping whole that nothing seems to be able to fill. There are brief moments when I believe that the hemorrhage has been plugged, that the roof has been patched but then just as quickly as I thought my suffering was over, I am abruptly reminded that I am still alone. Maybe alone is to strong of a word. “Lonely” may be more appropriate for there are very few people in this world that are truly alone. I don’t think that there has ever been a day when I had zero contact with another human being. I do however have plenty of experience with being lonely. “Lonely” can strike at any moment. You can be surrounded by hundreds of people and still feel quite alone. You can be under the same roof as the family that has raised you from birth and still feel…

It hurts to feel alone. There are many things in this world that hurt, both physically and otherwise, but as long as you have someone to be there, to understand, to bear that pain with you, you can make it. Just to be clear I do have a handful of people in my life that do seem to get it, or at least certain parts of it, but none of them can fill that particular space, that special mold with its intricate design and specifications. None of them are my family.

Family…

Where do I even begin?

Well admittedly I’m not an orphan. I have two parents who have seen to it that my basic needs have always been met and even quite a few of my wants. As much as I feel that much has been lacking along the way, they have done the best that they can or at least they’ve done the best that they know how to do. I am grateful for this and I do love them, as the love me. Then, what is the void? The void originates from growing up in an unhappy home that you have very few memories of ever being happy. The void comes from finding out that even those few happy memories that you have clung to were manufactured performances put on for your benefit but nothing more. The void comes from having zero close relationships with any family member outside your house. The void comes from watching other families from a distance and wishing in vain that you capture some small piece of their joy and sprinkle it over your own family. The void comes from knowing that if my parents died today I would have no one. I have no brothers and sisters or friends that have been with me since the beginning. Those are the people that you can really trust to stand by you until the end. Those bonds aren’t determined by convenience or mood or lust. It’s a loyalty that goes down to the bone that cannot be discarded any easier than one’s own heart. But it’s not just about loyalty either.

I want for someone to want to be with me. I want for someone to want to make memories and traditions with me. I live with two people who truthfully must believe that they made a mistake – a mistake in being together which culminated in the creation of me. No worthwhile person will call his/her offspring a mistake; in fact I may be the only good thing that either of them may be able to claim from the union. And while they’ve both done the best that they can, or the best that they know how to do, the signs are everywhere that this isn’t what they wanted. There are no family outings, no game nights, no traditions, no vacations, no days of simply enjoying each other’s company. Sure there are short moments in time where we may occupy the same space and have polite conversation but this can only go on for but so long before we can no longer tolerate the discomfort of it. It is an alien thing for us to be together, even after all these years. The dynamics are off. So we each retreat back to our own corners and go back to our separate existences. Its hard to pinpoint a moment when it all went wrong. The descent may have begun before my memory or even before my time. I can only hypothesize. Substance abuse played its role of course. Even after his recovery, the scars of it may have run to deep, done too much damage. I believe that they both gave up on each other though I’m not sure who gave up first. I also believe that not enough emphasis was given to what really matters – the family. After a while if you ignore the fundamental need of the family enough, cracks will appear. This fundamental need is, of course, time. There is never enough of it so you have to use it well. Having holiday traditions, reunions, family dinners, and whatever else may not be important to other people but it is to me. I want to have a family that wants to be together. I want to have a place where I belong.

So I guess we’ve reached the root of it. I want to feel like I’m a part of something. All I’ve ever wanted is just to belong somewhere, to not feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. I just want somebody to tell me that they’re going to be here, with me, forever and mean it. The only thing in life that seems to even come close to guaranteeing this is family. The trouble is that my family is an exception to this rule. I don’t feel like I have many guarantees with them. So I’m left to wonder, “what is to become of me?” I feel like the only way for me to capture the guarantee of family, and fill the void within me, is to create my own family. I need it. It’s the only way that I can ever be truly happy and complete. I know that they always tell you that another person can’t complete you but I think that’s kind of beside the point. It’s not really about completing me so much as its about completing my dreams, my life. If your dream is to have a family then you can’t really accomplish that without another person, now can you?

No amount of visiting with other people’s families and partaking in their traditions will ever fill this void because at the end of the day there are moments in life that are for “Family Only.” At those moments I am pushed out of the picture, relegated to the corner with the rest of the people who don’t quite belong. Again I’ll say that my situation could be worse, but it could also be better. I can’t get what I want from my family so I need another one! If God would only answer my prayers I know that I would dedicate my life to having a wonderful life with my family. I would do whatever I had to, within reason, to do my part and create all the memories for my kids that I didn’t get to have. I want a reason to rush home from work other than to take care of my dog! Ugh this is getting a little pathetic. I wonder if anyone else in the world feels how I feel. You want for something for so long and after a while you’re ready to realize your dreams. I’m ready…

Loss

People are here one day but the next they're not
Loss is a pain that runs deep and hot..

In the book "The KiteRunner," the father says that the only sin is theft. I believe that the only true pain is loss. You lose your partner's love, you lose your house, lives are lost, dignity lost, minds lost, futures lost...

Life and Love

Isn't life amazing. One minute you're just starting out and the next you're in the twilight of life. When I look back over my life I remember a lot of things. Amazing triumphs and devastating failures. All encompassing joy and overwhelming pain. Its a roller coaster complete with alternating rises, falls, and circus loops. And yet there has always been constant, one enduring emotion. I call it hope. It feels like I'm always hoping - hoping for a better tomorrow, hoping that all of this effort and struggle has been something. I am a pretty big believer in fate, karma, and the connection of all life's events. If I hop out the bed on the left side instead of the right then it's going to make a difference. The significance of that difference could run the gamut but it definitely matters.

Everything I have ever done or not done has lead me to this point. I have reached the point in my life where I can no longer waste energy on lamenting what I missed out on in the past. I have to look forward. Actually I really need to move forward. Looking won't get me anywhere. I need to take action. Life will not wait for me to build up the nerve or support or whatever else might be ideal. Life often isn't ideal. However I do know what life will ideally be like in the future as I see it.

I won't even say that I want it all but I dang sure want most of it. Why shouldn't I? I am 22 years old and I have found the man that I want to spend my life with. Why should I fear it? Why should I fear it? Why should I run from it? I love him from the depth of my soul. When I look into his eyes I see the life that I have always wanted. When I hear his voice, I hear promise. When he holds me in his arms, life ceases to be hectic or scary or uncertain. It all makes sense when I'm in his arms. This man is my best friend, dare I say my soul mate? So with all this said, it should not come as any surprise that I plan to marry. In fact, I plan to marry his tail the first chance I get. Lest I leave him on the market to long and some other hussy tries to snag him. And after I marry him I'm going to have his babies, cook his curry, and share every joy of my life with him. And you know what? I refuse to apologize for what I want. Society wants me to believe that I should be out sewing my oats somewhere, living it up, but that's not what I want.

But of course I want many other things as well. I want to finish my masters and doctorate. I want to change the world more and more every day. I want to matter. I was put on this Earth to do something and God willing I am going to do it. I want to own my own business. I want to do charity work. I want to do God's work. I want to travel. I want to meet people from all over the world. I want to have good girl friends that I can always count on. I want the world to heal from the pain of the past. I want to feel fulfilled. And by golly I want to enjoy myself.

In the words of some rapper "Life is a bitch but I love that girl!" Life is beautiful in all of its imperfect glory. My eyes often gaze up at the sky and I think about God and love and beauty and POSSIBILITY. The multitude of possibilities. Though we all stumble from time to time, by God we can always get back up again. God is love. As long as we are able to love, both each other and the world around us, we can achieve anything. I can achieve anything. So my bit of advice: never lose your ability to appreciate the world around you, from the little blades of grass the clouds in the sky to that barking dog in your neighborhood that keeps disrupting your sleep. You never know which seemingly insignificant thing is going to change your life. And never give up on love. I think a lot of discord of today harkens back to the fact that people have stopped loving each other. Love is hard. It's easier to just not care at all. The problem with not caring is that we all need someone to care about us in some way or another. People kill because they do not care. Governments and citizens alike allow their people to starve and live in squalor because they do not care. Wars that have gone on since the time of Christ continue to this day because somewhere along the way we gave up on valuing life. Never love anything more than you love life. And not just your individual life but life in general. All things work together for the good of God's people. Every life, every person is important because otherwise why would he/she be here.

So yes, I'm in love and I love life and don't you dare rain on my parade. I was put here to love and I intend to continue.

If you're reading this, I love You

Ideas and Emotions Abound

So FYI, the Mary Kay party went very well, I think. There were a few random moments but all in all I can't complain. There was a bit of an awkward feeling in the air between me and a couple of people just because we have outstanding drama. MJ approached me about celebrating our birthdays together. I told her I would get back to her but honestly I'm just not that interested. Why is she worried about "partying" with me when we haven't even had a conversation in weeks. Its just kinda random. Maybe this is her attempt at trying to bury the hatchet. Either way I'm still on the fence.

Big Ideas abound. I have decided that in addition to wanting to create my own children's books and documentaries, I also want to take some painting classes, watercolor to be exact. I've always wished that I could paint and paint well. The great thing about taking the classes is that its a win-win from various angles. First off hobbies just plain old rock. It'll be great to take a class that I'm not being graded on for once. I can just have fun with it (hopefully) and use it as an outlet. Its something interesting to talk about on applications and during interviews. Let's face it: In this day and age, with the crazy unemployment rate, standing out from the crowd is everything. It remains to be seen if I will be able to find any gainful employment directly related to the psychology field but this is helping me look at my situation in new ways. For example, art is used in therapy a lot these days in order to help people express their emotions, especially children and others who have been through traumatic events. This could be the key to unlocking what my contribution to the psychological community will be. The painting thing could also increase my earning potential in the semi-short term. If I become a good painter I can offer lessons for a fee. Hey side-hustle! So yea I think I'm going to move forward with painting in some capacity but I just have to find a way that makes since financially. Guess this means no Sims 3 for me in the near future...unless some handsome Guyanese man decides to treat men ;) .

So the trend I'm noticing here is that I'm interested in exploring all of creative pursuits. Not shocking when I think about it. I know so many people with creative talent, not the least of which being my boyfriend. Is it so wrong for me to want a little talent of my own. I just want to find something that I genuinely enjoy enough that I will continue doing it long term. Its all about trial and error. When I find my "thing," I'll know it.

Speaking of financial matters, I finally opened a savings account. Hopefully this will help me accumulate and maintain savings in an organized fashion. I kind of had a semi-break down the other day when I started thinking about everything that's on my plate these days. I cried so hard that my nose bled. Crazy, I know. Don't really feel like rehashing it right now. Just know that becoming suddenly financially independent is not all its cracked up to be. I gotta figure out how I'm going to survive next school year. Things tend to work out for me in the end but God knows I'm not trying to wait forever to find out how this situation is going to work. It wears on me. Thank God I have Wes though. He's such a blessing. He promptly dragged me out of my depression. Its so nice to know that I have him in my corner. I hope that he's always there....

Merry Kay? (HA! Hows that for a play on words? lol)

So, I'm headed to a Mary Kay pamper party today. Or actually I guess I'm the co-hostess. Queen (code name) and I ran into a couple MK consultants in Barnes & Noble's last weekend and after they finished fawning over us they offered to give us free facials. Now obviously I know that this is a hopeful ploy to get us to make a purchase. I'm open to it. Actually I don't think that I've ever used anything from MK before so I'm hoping to be wowed. I have no interest in buying makeup though, just skin care. My eczema has been kicking my butt. I think I've had my insurance long enough now that I can start making appointments. One of the first appointments needs to be to a dermatologist for sure.

In other news Queen and I invited some mutual friends, primarily to get a referral discount. I use the term "friends" loosely since most of the people coming either get on my nerves or I could just do without them. Actually they all fit into those categories. If it was just Queen and I then I would probably be open to hanging out all day but now I don't know. I hope people just take their facials and bounce, preferably after making a purchase. OK so we told people they didn't have to buy anything BUT its still kind of trifling to accept this woman's services for nothing. Not to mention Lisa is providing drinks and snacks and I'm also bringing some beverages. Don't be trifling folks!

Spring-time Insanity

O-M-G! What a wild ride the last month or two has been!?!? But I'm sure you've guessed that based on my long hiatus. Let's see: I had an obnoxious headache for like 2 weeks that finally lead me to leave work early and ultimately end up in the ER. Turns out I had some sort of infection, possibly in my sinuses. The hospital experience itself was as positive as to be expected except for the fact that I had to wear a frickin face mask (this was around the time that swine flu was really starting to concern people). I joked that I now understood how Michael Jackson feels. Needless to say I recovered but I am now nervously awaiting the arrival of the hospital bill since I was still uninsured at the time. Motivated by the possibility of an outrageous bill, I got insurance by the end of the week. While on virtual bed rest I decided that I want to writ children's books. My job got so crazy that I was sure that I would be fired. Actually myself and a co-worker were openly threatened with being fired but it turned out that this was some kind of weird motivational technique and our jobs were never in danger...whatever. I recently sent off my 1st payment on the new car, yay adulthood lol. I got accepted into my top choice Grad school which really gave me the dose of happiness I needed. I even got word from my advisor about another new student in my program looking for a roommate (keep ya posted). I also got to register for class. Now comes the pressure to figure out how I'm going to move closer to school and make money. There's always something! My plans for my boyfriend's birthday turned out to be a partial fiasco. Long story short I bought us tickets on a dinner cruise and a room at the Hilton, complete with the romance package. We ended up getting on the wrong boat which although similar in appearance, did not offer any of the amenities I paid for. I also got called a bitch earlier that day by 2 random women...yea. We still ended up enjoying each others company...a lot but I couldn't help but feel disappointed by some of the events. I've been spending a lot of time with some other members of my sorority during the last couple weeks. I'm finding myself being able to relate to people who are a few years older than me than people my age or younger. I guess its a sign of maturing. I'm just learning that if somebody turns his/her back on you then you just gotta move on to the next. Bottom line! Life has just been generally hectic and a roller coaster ride. With that said things are generally good. I have my health. My relationship is solid. My needs are met. I have a job at a time when so many people don't. Life is good. The one thing that is truly lacking is my relationship with God. In the midst of everything that has been happening I have slacked on my church attendance, prayer, and the attitudes and behaviors I should display as a child of God. It's unacceptable. Now I'm afraid that I will feel his wrath because of it. I've got to get back on the right track. No more excuses.

I'm sure I'll think of something else that happened as soon as I post this. Oh well, one thing is for sure, I'll always have more to talk about.

Writing: Knowing

There is justice in knowing.
There is peace in knowing.

So many things in life are out of our control. A person can wrong you terribly without you being at all aware. Identity theft.
Affairs.
Lies and deceit.
There is somthing defeating about this.
However when we know we have power. We can make a choice. We have control over our lives.

Knowledge is everything.
Don't fear it. Seek it.

Down with these overrated, overcharging, smelly gyms!

Sooo Bally's really tried me today buddy! I checked my voicemail and found a mysterious message from them saying I have a passed due balance. This made no sense because I have it set up for them to take automatic payments. So I figured out what happened. My bank had a security breach and issued new cards like a month ago. I forgot to update my autopay info with the new card info so that's why it wasn't working. HOWEVER, I definately did not appreciate how hard the guy was trying to sell to me. He was trying to get me to pay for the next 2 months in advance. Heck no! Ur lucky to be getting this month. And then he wanted me to pay a processing fee for the payment but I wasn't having it. If I can't pay you for free then you need to let me know how I can pay for free. I've never understood how places can really have the nerve to try 2 receive payment for a payment. Double dippin hoochies. So you would think that after I made it clear that I had no intention of paying them extra (he waved the processing fee) that he would quickly wind up my business and be done with it. Nope! He then proceeded to try to convince me to pay off my entire membership (over $1000)! Get outta here! I let him know that umm yea its a recession and I have other expenses to worry about. But of course he had an answer for this to. I could break it into 2 payments lol. Needless to say I testily opted out of this and firmly asked him to just process this months payment and reinstate my autopay. Why does everything have to be so difficult? *sigh*

Happy Days are Here Again

I registered for my classes today! I'm really excited. Its good to know that I'm still moving in the right direction and getting things done. I could have went somewhere cheaper (much cheaper) or easier or closer but I've chosen to go the extra mile. I believe that taking that extra initiative is what matters these days. I hope...I know it'll pay off. I can't wait until fall or the opportunity to do a little shopping in the bookstore *wink* Maybe I should get a license plate to further motivate me to get my car...

Stuck On a Whim

Well I'm still car-less which sucks. I miss having a car so much. It's not so much about the physical loss of a possession because frankly it was never really mine anyway. It was always in my fathers name and therefore under the threat of being taken. It's tragically ironic that right when I was so close to really owning...transferring it to my name...I wrecked it. I guess life just sucks that way sometimes. The worst part is the loss of my independence. I am now dependent on the whims of others. If other people don't have time to transport me then I'm kind of screwed. However let the record show that I don't enjoy asking people to do stuff for me that often anyway. I WANT to do things for myself! I think thats powerful. I feel robbed of my mojo, my power. Other people have the reigns now and thats just no good. In the spirit of being realistic, I know that I'm not completely powerless. My situation could be much worse. I still have the ability to get to a fair number of places. Not having a car forces me to think more about whats important and if I really need to go certain places. In that same vain, my desire to move out and buy a new car is also forcing me to make some better choices about spending money. I WILL get a new car. I WILL make it happen. How long will it take? I'm not a psychic but I hope it will be very soon...like next month. I'm trying my best to make good decisions here but hey I'm only human and sometimes the path is rocky.

In other news, the BF and I had a great day together yesterday. He totally saved the day. We had lunch, stopped by his parents house for a while, picked up some ceramic gifts we made for each other at Color Me Mine a while back, and then spent the rest of the afternoon relaxing in a beautiful park. I don't think it was coincidental that out of all the areas we could have went to in that 500 acre park we ended up near an outdoor wedding. We didn't watch (you know I wanted to!), but it definately upped the love ante. I love this guy (yes you lol). I've got all my cards on the table. All my chips are in and I hope he understands that. So anyway it was a very chill, relaxing day and I'm glad we did it. He did good :)

Nights like last night make me want to be a Loner

Sooo my friend M completely ditched me last night and now I'm left to re-evaluate our friendship. I think a pretty good way to rate a friendship is by judging how likely each person is to go out of their way to help the other. If I call somebody a friend then I'm going to do what I can to help that person. This is a demonstrated fact. I went out of my way for this girl on several occasions and now I'm finding that I can't count on her. It's really sad actually. When I had a car and this girl didn't, I took her any and everywhere, even when it was completely inconvenient. I'm sure on some level I believed that if the shoe was on the other foot she would do the same for me. Well the shoe IS on the other foot and lets just say that I'm less than impressed with her. We were supposed to be going to a fundraiser together this morning but apparently she totally forgot about me. SHE was the one who offered to take me but she forgot all about it. I didn't find out the plan had changed until she called me last night to just inform me that SHE was going to the walk. My response was "Umm I know that already. We're going together." And she's like, "Well actually I'm already in the area and I'm not coming back to get you [condensed versio]." Not only was she completely unapologetic but actually tried to make it seem like she was in the right. "Well I have a lot going on and you don't have much going on in your life..." F*** YOU WH**E!!!

Ahhhh release. Well I feel better. Gotta get ready for my date with Wes now :)

Things are looking up!

So after drifting aimlessly through the universe for what felt like forever I think I am on the verge of having a solid plan. I've been freaking out about how I'm going to manage getting a new car, an apartment, school expenses, and all the other expenses that go along with living in America. After speaking to the financial aid office it all came together in my mind. The school is going to offer me a big booty loan aka a big loan. I can use this loan in such a way that I pay for eduaction expenses and then receive a refund that I can use to help pay rent. This takes some of the pressure off of me of having to save up $$$ for housing and a car. Now I can throw a few grand into getting this car situation moving. This could happen as soon as a month or so from now! The bus is depressing me. I gotta escape! In other news, pops and I are on better terms. I went outta my way to tell him about my plan and he gave me some insight. He's going to take me to look at cars one day. Note: He still has not in any way implied that he'll contribute but that's fine...honestly.

Writing: Traveling Shoes

I long to go, to put on my shoes and go
Destination: unknown.
Left foot, right foot
That's the rhythm
The rhythm of my desire,
Always ticking faster
A quickening pace
Boarding time approaching
Better get there fast
Where am I going?
Only God knows
But its boarding time now and I gots to go.

Writing: Why Do We Love?

Quite simply...because we must. It is ingrained in us from birth. Without bonds we cannot survive. Love is both the purpose and the means of our survival. It hurts and it heals. Builds us up and breaks us down. Serves as our secret weapon as well as our downfall; a booby-trap lain to catch the foolish. The foolish few that dare to be led by emotion.

Love fills you up with the breath of life; invigorates the spirit. It is passion. It is pain. It is the reason...maybe not for the season, but for something. Something intangible, indescribable. To feel it, is to understand it. Oxygen for the soul. You confound and captivate. I love you. Thank you for who you are.

Easter Recap

Ok sooo Easter aka Resurrection Day was actually alright or at least as good as I could have hoped for. My friend (M) invited me to come out with her fam so I went to church with them. We also went out to eat afterwards and they treated me. It was nice to be around a real family and be welcomed into that. Thank God for friends! They can save the day when you least expect it...

Hope ur having a better day...

Well here we are. Its Easter. A time for families to gather in rememberance of Christ and all the blessings we each receive on a daily basis. Generally its a pretty upbeat time. I mean come on! Who can look at the Easter bunny and be grumpy??? The answer to that question is...me. Its times like these, times when families tend to gather, that it becomes particularly obvious to me that my family is quite unorthodox. No one in my family ever saw fit to teach me about religion, probably because its not important in their lives. I've never been to church with my parents. They never taught me bible stories. They never even told me the purpose of Easter so for the bulk of my life all I knew about was the candy and the bunny. Holidays were rarely, if ever, important enough for both of them to take the day off so we could be together. And as I got older they slowly but surely allowed the chirade to unravel. Until finally, now, holidays are like regular days around here. No more eatin together on thanksgiving or putting up the Christmas tree. I have to settle for invitations to go places with other people's families because my own has checked out. That's what I'm doing rite now; waiting for my friend to pick me up to go to church with her fam. Church started 20 minutes ago. I wonder if she forgot about me...

Back in the Habit...

WOW, so where do I begin???
Well since my last post:

• I graduated (YAY!)
• Moved back home (booo!)
• Had my 2.5 year anniversary with bf
• Got a new job
• Totaled my car (wasn't hurt tho, thankfully)
• My relationship with the male half of my gene pool has sunken to new lows
• Got accepted to 2/3 of the grad schools I applied to, so far
• Witnessed my dog having a seizure
• Saw my mother cry for the first time ever
• Saw my mother stand up to her husband for the first time ever
• Tasted olives for the first time
• And much, much more! lol

Frankly its been a crazy time for me emotionally and otherwise. Last semester barely had enough free time for me to wipe my butt. And once I graduated, then came the stress of re-acclimating to being at home and finding a job, etc etc etc. However now I feel like now is as good a time as any for me to get started again. I don't feel as swamped anymore. I still feel a lot of stress about the future but I just can't obsess about that 24 hours a day. So here I am! Happy Easter!