All I do is Lose, Lose, Lose No Matter What!

So the saga continues. So on the one hand, about 12 hours after I arrived at the bf's house, he finally called AT&T and discovered that I probably could get a new phone for the website price. Good news, right? Not so fast. In order for me to get the new phone, they would need to run his credit, which is good but he doesn't want to have any inquiries made on his credit report...doesn't think its worth it. Beyond that he also made it pretty clear that he doesn't even think I should get an iPhone. He says that the reason is he thinks I should just wait for him to be eligible for an upgrade in September and I should just get a cheaper phone in the meantime. This to me makes no sense because I will then end up purchasing TWO phones, bringing the grand total to approaching the retail price of an iPhone anyway. But anyway this is just what he says. He also went on to suggest that he cancel our family plan and we go back to maintaining our own separate plans... This hit me like a f*ckin mack truck. Are you kidding me??? And he said it as though it was so straightforward and uncontroversial. Although maybe we haven't experienced the type of savings that we thought a family plan would bring, its not just about that. Getting this plan together symbolized an important step in our relationship. We were entering into something together for the first time, instead of being two individuals voluntarily working together. We were contractually bound through this situation. It was an outward indication to the world that we're in this for the long haul; a point of pride. It meant that we had a certain caliver of trust in one another because we had, although to a fairly small degree, tied our fates together. We were in this boat together for better or for worse (I know that sounds too matrimonial for this). The only problem is that now he wants to jump ship. Something about me losing this phone or my struggles to gather enough money to get a new one has revealed something to him. He doesn't think I'm financially responsible, and maybe I'm not. He doesn't think that it's worth it to tie his fate to mine any longer, even in the face of still having to pay off the remaining bill and cancellation charges. So where does this leave us?

I am taking this as another failure on my part. I can't get my sh*t together and as a result my relationships with other people are being negatively affected. I'm so tired of needing assistance from other people. I'm sure everyone needs help sometimes but it feels like I need it too often...and people will grow weary of it. My bf may already have. He says he can't help but want to help me. However, the fact of the matter is that he can't always help me. Instead by making a variety of promises to me, he ends up over extending his self, not being able to follow through, and I'm left back where I started. Lets make one thing clear. Despite how it may appear. Regardless of the fact that I may long for rescue from time to time. Even in view of how I've benefited from the kindness of others, I really DON'T want anyone's help. I never wanted to be almost 24 y/o still struggling to keep my head above water financially. I never imagined that at this point in my life I would have even less disposable income then I had in previous years. I'm not over here living it up with the money people give me. I couldn't tell you the last time I bought a pair of shoes, definitely not this year. I have one go-to pair in particular that I wear a lot. Those suckers are about to come apart any time now. Same goes for clothes. I think the last article of clothing I bought was a dress I wore for New Years. Nothing since then and there wasn't much prior either. I go through big gaps in time between any sort of pampering. I am NOT living the life over here. The other part of it is just the social aspects of money. I think that its only when you don't have money that you realize that most social activity requires it. If I called up someone right now and asked them if they want to do something I'm sure it would be something along the line of going to a restaurant, seeing a movie, shopping, or the like. At the very least I'm looking at gas. So what am I supposed to say "Let's do such and such but I need you to cover the tab," Heck No! So you see, being phone-less is the first level of isolation but also the fact that talking on the phone is about the only thing I can afford to do.

I just feel really alone in many ways. More than anything, I hope that my issues do not become a major plague upon my relationship. It's difficult though. It seems to be a constant topic of discussion, not because he's bringing it up but because I don't have anything more major than that going on.

I'll say this much. Sometimes it is the seemingly insignificant decisions that we make that foreshadow our true thoughts/feelings the best. Nothing about this situation feels right to me but I hope it works out in the end, whenever that is.

Later...

Why is it Always Me???

So where should I begin? I went to court this morning. I managed to get there with very minimal difficulty. However after sizing up the judge, the presence of the cop, and my odds of making a logical explanation of my innocence in the face of radar evidence, I decided to plead guilty with an explanation. I'll spare you a rambling recount of what I said, but suffice to say that I don't think I presented my case nearly as well as I could have with the result being that I now have 10 days to pay the $80 fine. I did, however, manage to avoid receiving any points on my driving record. So it sucks that I have to hand out more money that I don't really have but it could have been worse. I then received the crushing blow that I cannot, in fact, replace my phone for $150 (refurbished) to $200 (new). Instead I was told that since I am not eligible for an upgrade, I could be looking at $500. BLOWER!!! I had the damn money in my hand, ready to go. Twarted again. I got this information from an Apple rep and wanted to seek confirmation from ATT but this was quite impossible because they will only speak to my boyfriend (he's the primary name on our joint account). This pretty much sent me into a tizy. Then on top of that I find out that as far as car insurance goes I may also be screwed. As an AAA member I tend to be able to get the best rates through their partners. This is no longer the case though because, probably as a result of me ending my last plan on a bad note (late payment and ultimatelynever making it) the rate f*ckin jumped by like $100/month. The AAA rep recommended that I basically throw myself at their mercy of the insurance agency but I don't know how fruitful that will turn out to be. At any rate, I STILL don't have the money anyway so yea. So basically fml...

Court House Blues

I'm about to head to traffic court. I'm MAJORLY nervous. Yes, I know that many do not take traffic court seriously but to me it's still court, you know? I don't have a record so hopefully it will be as simple as saying "not guilty" and high-tailing it out of there. Wish me luck!

Guess who's back!

Wow I haven't written here in ages! Well I can't really make any apologies for it. This last semester has been absolutely bananas, stressful, and even exciting at times. However the common denominator is that I was constantly busy. However, I managed to pull through and now I can say I have 1 year of Grad school in the bag. It was such a great feeling to be done...although sometimes it feels like the concept of "done" is really some sort of cruel April Fool's joke that refuses to go away. Well world, there are two problems here: 1) It's not April and 2) I'm not laughing. Seriously I'm rarely truly DONE with anything. For example, grades were posted a couple weeks ago but I have to go to campus to meet with my advisers on Friday (which is interfering with my work schedule) and I will have to wait until next JANUARY to present my research project which is effectively done now. Come on man! Whatever...

The BF and I are still going pretty strong. It'll be 4 years in September. My how time flies!  :) And we recently achieved another milestone: I have a key to his place! Yessir, yep that's me, the chick wit an all access pass. However please do not think for a second that I received this lil golden ticket promptly, with ease, or on some sort of whim. Finally after a series of unfortunate events, and possibly my not so subtle suggestion that I should sleep over less often, the key was given out of necessity and some sort of epiphany on his part. Whatever the reasons behind it, I'm happy to have my little Steelers key (yes, my BF, the eternal Steelers fan, had the key designed with a Steelers pattern. Meh, maybe they were all out of pink backgrounds with cute baby animals, lol. But now that we are at this point it serves as further reminder that there aren't too many more steps we can take as boyfriend/girlfriend. Indeed, even the terms boyfriend and girlfriend start to feel a little ill-fitting with age, seeming more appropriate adolescents than young professionals. Sidebar--> Do I count as a young professional since I'm still in school? I do have a job, maybe soon to be two jobs (more on that later), but its not related to my career ambitions. Meh, who knows...

A classmate just recently set me up for an interview at a psychiatric rehabilitation establishment. I'm excited by the prospects of finally doing something in my field but I'm quite nervous that I don't have the background to be selected. Either way, simply setting foot into this establishment will be self-affirming of my goals. It's a step in the right direction so I might as well just go for it. Honestly the most nerve-wrecking part may be the fact that one of my classmates works there and another interviewed yesterday. Therefore if I don't pull it off then basically everyone knows = embarrassing. I know I shouldn't be worried about them but it just seems like it could be awkward. On the bright side, if I don't get the position, I don't have to see these people until Fall and I would hopefully be over it by then.

Other than that, nothing to amazing is going on over here. The boo-muffin's B-day is on Saturday but he has decided to shun the typical club party celebration with his buddies in favor of a swanky dinner for two with yours truly :) I'm clearly not complaining. I just want him to have the best time possible. You only turn 26 once, as far as we know anyway. However, I must first survive traffic court on Thursday and I also received a speed camera ticket--> sucks. I hate to admit it but maybe I need to take some responsibility and slow my butt down. The last thing I need is more expenses that I can't afford. I guess I would have to say that the greatest tragedy of late is the loss of my IPhone-->HEARTBREAKING! The worst part is that 1) they're fairly expensive the replace, 2) when stuff is going on I can't just quickly call on someone for support--> isolation, 3) I don't want to settle for a cheap replacement and I'm not sure it even makes sense in the long run anyway, 4) it was a gift from Wes and we started a plan together, 5) and just the typical sting of loss. Part of me is still holding out hope that it fell into some secret compartment of my car and will reveal itself any moment now...

Well that seems to be enough for now...

Oh yea....I fell like I could be preggers, Bye now!

***runs away without explanation***